How Do I Help My Family Get Healthy?!?

Do you have someone in your life that you really worry about?

Someone who is unhealthy, on the road to serious health issues or consequences, and who doesn’t seem to care?

Do you want to help them but aren’t sure how to, or how they will take it?

You’re not alone!

This is something I have been thinking about a lot of late, and I wanted to address it with your help. So I am going to share my thoughts and ideas on the subject, but I sincerely want to hear what you guys think.

After reading this, I want to hear your thoughts. How do you think you would handle these situations?

Okay, now let’s dive into these perilous waters…

Is It Ignorance, Apathy, Or Both?

Over the last few months, I have seen more than one person confronted with the harsh truth that one of more of their loved ones has developed dangerous levels of obesity.

How their troubles were brought on, I don’t know; but in all of these cases the reality of the situation became clear – These people are in trouble!

Before we move on, let’s look at the situations.

Situation #1 – A visit from a friend’s sister left her a little shaken. Her sister lives on the other side of the country, and visits are a rarity, leaving most interactions occurring via phone or on social media. My friend thought her sister, who has always been overweight, was doing better. Her sister had been regaling her with tales of fresh vegetables and portion control, but during the visit it was a non-stop parade of sodas and cookies (essentially the full diabetes starter-kit) and it became apparent that serious health issues are imminent.

Situation #2 – A trip to the hospital, for a seemingly unrelated medical issue, revealed extreme blood sugar and cholesterol problems in a friend’s spouse. The person in question is seriously overweight, but has been trying to eat better (steadily losing weight for the past year) and they honestly thought they were doing okay. Now they are struggling with massive, doctor ordered, dietary changes.

Situation #3 – This one came to me in the form of an email… here it is in its entirety.

“Dear Jerd,

I am at my wits end. I know I am not the healthiest person walking the planet, by any stretch of the imagination, but compared to my nephew, Andrew, I might as well be a world-class triathlete.

He is an obsessive gamer who still lives at home at 23, existing on fast food and a part-time job. He also has to be nearing 300 pounds by the look of him! Every time I visit my sister, she and her husband just enable Andrew and the road he is so obviously going down frightens me. He is such a sweet kid, but he is killing himself slowly and I just don’t think I can avoid the issue much longer!

I have hinted at things before to my sister, but she just shrugs it off.

Do you have any advice as to how I can intervene, without causing hostile and emotional family drama? I know that I can’t make someone do something that they don’t want to, but I feel like I am failing as an aunt if I don’t try.

– Jean”

As you can see all three of those situations are a little different, but the one constant is that each of the people in question have loved ones that love and care about their well-being.

In each case the first step needs to be to figure out what has brought them to this point in their lives.

Is it ignorance of nutrition, calories, and fitness? Is it apathy, or an overall lack of concern for their own well-being? Or is it a little bit of both?

Once you figure out what the cause is, then (and only then) can you really formulate a plan to respectfully, and compassionately, help them.

My Thoughts

Let’s just get this out of the way first.

I am not a doctor, nor am I a therapist.

I am just a nerd with a genuine desire to help people live longer, and healthier, lives!

With that in mind, here are my thoughts on the topic.

Before we go any further, the first thing we need to get straight is the fact that all of these people know they are overweight. I guarantee you that they are reminded of that fact every day by TV, movies, advertising, video games, magazines, etc…

Negatively pointing out that uncomfortable reality to them is a surefire way to alienate them. Remember our goal here – to help our loved ones get healthier, not to shame them because they don’t have “6 pack abs” or a “beach body.”

We are only doing this because the situation has gotten so bad, and we are actively worried about their physical well-being. If it isn’t to that point, I am of the min that you should keep your mouth shut and just lead by healthy example (we really dig into the whole minding your own business angle in this article about Nerd Shaming.) If they are inspired by you, hopefully they will start to turn things around on their own without the need for intervention.

So negative attacks are out (duh); what’s next?

Like I said, first and foremost become a positive example of a healthy lifestyle and its benefits. Encourage and invite them, without being pushy, to join you in fun, physical activities and to eat healthy meals with you.

You aren’t going to force them to eat better or exercise, you are going to have to coax them a little (or a lot) at first.

And while it might be frustrating for you, I am willing to bet that pales in comparison to the internal frustration these people already feel in one way or another about their current situation. So be kind. Be overly kind. And show them that you are trying to help because you care about them.

None of the above situations happened overnight; it was the slow accumulation of bad dietary and exercise choices over a long period of time that led them to this point. So I believe that turning things around is going to take the opposite – a slow, and steady, accumulation of positive dietary and exercise choices.

The trick is getting them to take the first few steps!

When I sat down and interviewed Ryon Day, we spoke about this very thing. Being concerned about a loved one’s health, and how to compassionately get them to start making healthier life choices… here’s what he had to say on the subject of trying to get someone to exercise with him.

“Let’s just start slow, and let’s see where you go…” You know? “Let’s walk down this road together and let’s not think about some indeterminate future state where you can dunk a basketball, or have six-pack abs, or single digit body fat. How about lets just enjoy something together, as friends, and I’ll show you something that has brought a great deal of joy and happiness into my life. And I’d really like to share that with you. But let’s just start off doing this one tiny, simple little thing, and let’s see where it goes from here?” – Ryon Day

He also had a great way of really cementing his motivations…

“And if you’re not interested right now, I’ll back off and I will still be your friend. I’ll still adore you as my friend, as much as I ever have. But like, man, sometimes I look and sometimes I’m worried that I won’t have you in my future. And sometimes I worry that we won’t be able to…” – Ryon Day

This is super important!

Remember, people respond better to compassion than to judgement.

In each of the above cases, I am willing to bet that the person in question is struggling with a combination of lack of willpower, and being stuck in a vicious cycle of bad habits.

We need to remind our loved ones that ultimately they are the masters of their own fate. They are the heroes of their own personal movies, and if they don’t like the script they have the power to re-write it!

They just might need a little help getting that pencil to the paper and breaking through any initial self-doubt.

So taking Ryon’s advice and getting them doing to do one new activity with you, like a daily walk or playing a pick-up game of basketball every Tuesday night, might be what is needed. Or maybe they need someone to show them that eating healthy doesn’t have to mean eating nothing but salads.

Whatever it is, help them get a couple wins under their belt.

A few small changes to remind them that they truly are in control of their lives.

Once that ball gets rolling, and the start making a few positive changes, momentum is going to start taking over… and then, hopefully, things will get easier and easier.

So what are some specific things you can do to get things started?

How You Can Help!

Be compassionate – Above all else, this is the most important thing you can do! If you truly care about someone, you don’t want them to feel like you are trying to change them so you can love them. Even if that isn’t the case (and I am sure it isn’t) they might feel that way; that you are manipulating them into doing something they don’t want to because it, in some way, satisfies you.

That isn’t the point!

Also, until you think they are going to be receptive to the message, eliminate any talk of diet, their weight, or the gym from your conversations. And no doing something stupid like subscribing them to a fitness magazine! That is just a sure-fire way to shut the conversation down before it even starts.

Remember that the top priority is to connect with them as a person, not to focus on their problem.

Focus on your relationship – Be sure you are in a place to even have this conversation! If your relationship is more on the superficial side you might want to take a little while and deepen things first before even broaching the subject.

I know I probably sound overly cautious, but you want them to take your concern the right way. So make sure they understand that you love them, unconditionally, for who they are right now before you dive into these dangerous waters with them.

Figure out what they love – Once you know what someone really enjoys, it is easier to find gateway hobbies that will get them out of the house and moving. It is highly unrealistic to think that you are going to get an unmotivated person to jump right into working out at a gym.

We need to ease them into a healthy lifestyle if we want them to succeed!

Look at what media or games they consume. Find something that you can do together, that closely resembles their existing interests (unless of course they play a ton of Grand Theft Auto, you might want to avoid this exercise then…) Understand that people subconsciously consume things that satisfy their inner desires. You don’t play games out of boredom, you play them for the feeling of accomplishment!

Do they…

• Play a lot of fighting games, or watch a lot of kung fu movies? Then maybe see if they want to join a martial arts class with you…
• Watch a lot of sword & sorcery movies, or play Dungeons & Dragons? How about finding a Live-Action Roleplaying (LARP) group and checking it out, or maybe think about taking up fencing or archery…
• Find shows like Ninja Warrior fascinating? Find a local parkour gym, or rock-climbing facility, and try a few sessions together…
• Play a lot of first-person shooter (FPS) games? Start making paintball, or laser tag, a regular bonding activity…
• The list goes on and on, just think about it…

Heroes need opportunities to be heroic, so join them on their adventure!

Inspire them – Maybe you aren’t in stellar shape yourself? So why not make a change in yourself that hopefully inspires them to do better? Start strength training and eating clean, and maybe when you start to look and feel healthier it might inspire them to want to do the same?

Best case scenario, you can enjoy the journey to better health together. Worst case scenario, they don’t respond to your transformation and you… well, you still are in better shape anyway. So there is no reason not to do this!

Expose them to new foods – So many people suffer from the misconception that eating healthy means living on salads and giving up all the tasty goodness they love in life; but nothing could be further from the truth! Find some healthy dishes that you enjoy making and invite them over for dinner…

I can’t count the number of times I have heard people say that they don’t like any vegetables, only to find out that they grew up in a house where everything was mushy and bland because it came out of a can. Can you blame them for not wanting to eat vegetables? That $#!& is nasty!

So embrace your inner Iron Chef and show them some variety!

Who knows, maybe they will even ask you for the recipes if you do a good job?

Remember this is about health, not weight loss – Once again, I want to remind you that the focus needs to be on living a long, and healthy, life. Not about losing weight (although that will probably be a by-product)! If you keep that in mind, and approach them with care and compassion, I can only hope that they will be responsive.

Don’t think this is going to be easy though!

Even if they are receptive right from the get-go, there will be hurdles and setbacks. Turning things around, and getting healthy, after years of neglect is not easy.

So be patient, be supportive, and above all else keep reminding them that you are in this together with them.

What Do You Think?

Even if you don’t usually comment, I really want to hear from you…

What are your thoughts? Have you found yourself in this situation? And more importantly, how did you approach it?

“Always pass on what you have learned.” – Yoda

Since I have been thinking about this difficult topic for awhile, I am going to go out on a limb and make the assumption that there are tons of Jerd readers who’ve contemplated, or dealt with, the same thing.

I sincerely hope we all can accept, support, and encourage our loved ones; and that we can live long and prosper together.

So offer up your advice to help all of us make it so!

(Photo #1 credit, Photo #2 credit, Photo #4 credit, Photo #5 credit) 

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